Francis of the Filth Read online

  The commotion woke the others and they roused themselves to ask Frank what was going on. Across the hall, Safari Man, still in the twilight zone, began to yell out something about sea cucumbers before a large fist came down hard on his mouth and silenced him. Frank quickly counted heads and realized that there was a new entity in the apartment. It didn’t bother him too much. Anyone punching Safari Man hard in the mouth first thing in the morning couldn’t be all bad, he reasoned. There was movement from the room before a large, hugely muscular and rather magnificent Adonis appeared and, completely naked save for a small pair of coral colored underpants, strode across the hallway into Frank’s room. “Prometheus,” he said by way of re-introduction. His voice was the same lush and deep one that made Frank momentarily consider bisexuality.

  “What is going on here?” Frank asked. After all his recent travels and conquests, he had become unfamiliar with asking the questions. Pink Guy held his stomach and grunted his explanation: “IBS”. He had spent most of the early morning hours suffering the most terrible stomach cramps and blasting away at the porcelain. That explained the first of the morning’s mysteries. Frank looked at Prometheus for the other. “What brings you here, brother?” he asked.

  “You, Frank.” The voice remained rich and full-toned. “Everyone knows the tiers are changing. Some are moving up. I am,” he said with tremendous pride. I believe I am now a chimpilla.” He said the word chimpilla as though it were a fine wine. “But that’s nothing. You, Frank, are something else. You have become a peace lord and a mighty one at that. You have stood up to Chin Chin, you have resurrected Negi - it’s the talk of the omniverses - and your chromosomes continue to multiply at astronomical rates. In short, Frank,” said Prometheus drawing his oration to a close, “I want in”.

  Frank looked first at Prometheus and then slowly around the room at each of them. He felt pity. They knew so little and they hoped for so much. The words of the peace lord rolled back and forth across his mind - crawl back down his hole - as he continued to look at each of them as they stood around him - suffering to come which he could never have imagined - and spoke to them. “I’m afraid you don't understand. I’m not who you thought I was. Yes, my chromosomes are multiplying and I was able to bring our Negi friend here back.”

  “Testy buzz to a guacamole,” he said gratefully.

  “But I only restored what had once already been. And Chin Chin backed off, but to who knows where and why and what’s next?” He looked around at their still-expectant faces. “There are powers out there you can’t imagine. Even amongst the peace lords there are tiers. Even those that I thought were invincible have been taken down.” One by one their shoulders began to slump and their expressions began to drop. “I’m nothing compared to them. Nothing.”

  “Nyes.” Salamander Man made a good point and the others were all in agreement. It was only a matter of chromosomes ago that Frank was a mere mortal and by all accounts, a ‘nothing’ to even a rankenfile. Now he had become a mighty peace lord and even if that were a ‘nothing’ to other peace lords now, how long would it be till he was their equal or even superior to them? It was true. Frank’s chromosomal growth rate was exponential. He was peerless in this regard. Surely that’s why Chin Chin wanted him dead? That’s why Dyopatera wanted him buried. They feared what he would become. They feared that left any longer, Frank could become a power beyond even them.

  The thought of this was enticing to Frank but the cost of achieving any such position would be higher than he could bear. Still they urged him on.

  “Papa Franku, we’re all with you. We’re in this together, ha ha ha.”

  “Nyess.”

  “I’m not afraid of that dickless Chin Chin. I say, ‘bring it on’.”

  “Prometheus.”

  “Up and with buffoon for forty!”

  His friends were well-meaning and he loved them for it but they just didn’t understand; they couldn’t know. But he was lifted by their spirits nonetheless and they caused him to reconsider his surrendered heart.

  Chapter 14

  Many have undertaken to draw up an account of the things that were fulfilled in those days, just as they were handed down by those who from the first were eyewitnesses and servants of the truth. This account is based on careful investigation from those who were there, those who heard first hand, and those who now know the truth so that we may know the certainty of these things.

  Frank woke from a deep sleep. Never in his life had he felt more powerful, more knowledgeable or more present. Immediately, he left his apartment where his friends all remained in deep slumber, and entered a large park. It was the thick of winter and a light covering of snow lay all around. The ponds had frozen over long ago and the wind blew bitterly cold, yet he felt none of it. He was now set apart from the elements.

  He walked under one of the many bridges of the park and took pause. He had decided to leave. He had set his heart on going far, far away where he could not endanger his friends’ lives and where no-one could be bothered to search for him, even if they found out where he was. He would come back and visit from time to time but he would, from this point on, exist only in the unknown realms of the omniverses until he knew with certainty his identity and his true place in the tiers. Unlike before though, he would now choose for himself where he would go and how long he would stay. This was freedom enough, even if it were to be a very lonely freedom.

  In an instant, he was sitting on the warm sands of an endless desert. An enormous, bright ball of white radiation hung low above him, yet its heat was mild and its coloring soft. Beside him was a small oasis rimmed with a few trees and shrubs. There was nothing else as far as the eye could see; only endlessly rolling cream-colored dunes. Without removing any clothing, Frank waded into the waters and cooled off. It was very pleasant. And when he left the pond, he lay in the shade of one of the trees, put his hands behind his head and fell into a semi-doze. There wasn’t a breath of wind. Just stillness and quiet. He began to collect his thoughts.

  Even with his extraordinary chromosomal capacity, he could rarely tell how much time had passed from one event to another, and with a sun that never moved from its position in the sky, it was all the more difficult. After a lengthy period of sunning, a breeze began to blow in from the direction he was facing. At first it was rather bracing but it quickly picked up and became menacing. As Frank watched, the brilliant sun dimmed, the wind began to whip about and the sand was blown into an enormous shape-shifting vortex that spiralled up and scratched the sky. He stood unfazed as this built up all about him. Lightning began to strike and thunder boomed so repetitively it became one long, rumbling bass note. Hail began to pelt down but still Frank stood unflinching. The sky then ripped open and the dark lord Chin Chin descended from it in haste, once again with two chained minions going before him, snarling with lunatic ferocity.

  The dark lord alighted from his train of billows and scampered toward Frank. “O chin chin ga dai suki dayo.” He spat it out through clenched teeth, his detestation for Frank at an all-time high. “O chin chin. O chin chin.” There was more spittle and indiscriminate twitching.

  “This is getting boring, Chin Chin. Lightning, thunder, hail. Yeah, yeah.” Frank looked about him before continuing. “I said it before and I’ll say it again: piss off.”

  Chin Chin roared in a manner that Frank had never seen before and Frank nodded to the dark lord to indicate that he was impressed by this.

  “Ochin chin,” he said again. This utterance had a whole other tinge to it and Frank understood it completely. There were other peace lords, he had said, thousands of them, and they all wanted to see Frank - and his posse - skinned alive and rolled in salt for eternity. Frank and his friends would wish for death to come quickly, but it wouldn’t.

  Frank had seen enough. Through sheer force of will he pushed Chin Chin back and in an instant, Frank was floating through a world of clear liquid jelly. The jelly was breathable, drinkable and pleasantly warm. He moved through the subs
tance propelled by nothing more than the flexing of his muscles. This was a fabulous world and, although annoyed very much by Chin Chin’s interruptions, Frank enjoyed being able to disappear and reappear anywhere in the omniverses he pleased. This world was not dissimilar to being underwater on earth, only the matter was thicker and the life forms more vibrant and pristine. The weightless environment made the concepts of up and down non-existent and Frank suspected that there were none of the cardinal directions that governed most realms, either. In this world, the light was omnipresent and it refracted in entirely different ways from what he was used to so that visual focus came and went like shadows.

  A school of lifeforms that looked like shuttlecocks with eyes came up and observed him. “Hey, little fella,” Frank said to the nearest one. It pulled back and then they all moved on again. A large gray diamond-shaped creature hovered nearby. It appeared docile so Frank moved toward it but it, too, moved away. Frank noticed plant-like life forms growing from spindly branches which protruded from some rocky ledges. They were colorful and bulbous, like balloons, and were filled with a syrupy liquid. They looked delicious. Frank threw caution to the wind and bit into one. It immediately burst and its contents blew all over his face. What didn’t go into his mouth and nose was absorbed by his skin, and it was wonderful. The taste was unlike anything he had experienced before, rich and strong in flavor and instantly refreshing. He felt invigorated by the experience.

  His immediate surroundings then grew suddenly colder and darker and all life forms, no matter how near or distant, retreated out of sight. Frank was aware off a presence, a dark ominous power, but there was nothing around him that he could see. Still the darkness grew and he could sense evil touching him through the essence of his environment. Something wrapped around his foot and yanked him down hard. It caught him by surprise and old feelings of fear and anxiety returned to him. Frank looked below to see an enormous Octopussy creature boring into him with its eyes. It slithered its other tentacles around his body and face and pulled him down, pressing Frank’s face against its own. If Frank had been able to sweat in this environment he would have been sweating profusely. His heart began to pound and real dread set in, not just for his immediate safety but for his whole plan of omniversal escape.

  “We peace lords have determined that you shall die and in the most painful and prolonged manner,” it said with a watery voice. It continued to slide its tentacles around Frank’s waist and neck. Frank was powerless to move. Unless he could free himself from the peace lord, he would only take it with him into the next realm if he transported. “Die, Frank! Die!” it said squeezing the life out of him. “It has been determined.” Frank put up fierce resistance but was completely out of his depth. It was as though his chromosomes were defective in this realm, no matter how many of them he had. “It has been determined,” it said again in a liquefied voice.

  All of a sudden a white and brown syrup covered the peace lord and a gray figure came out of nowhere and slashed at it. The peace lord removed two of its tentacles from Frank and turned its attention to its attacker. Again, there was more brown and white effluent cast upon the peace lord and another sharp slash drawn across it. Presently the gray figure stopped at a distance and called to the peace lord.

  “It’s Percy the Pigeon, bitch.”

  “Percy!” called Frank, delighted to see his old friend.

  “You were warned once,” the Octopus peace lord said to Percy in the same moist tone. “You have no business being here.” It released Frank completely and shot a quiver of poisonous darts at Percy. He disappeared before they could hit him and reappeared on the other side of Frank.

  “Percy, what’s going on?” Frank asked. “How did you know I was here? How did you do…that?”

  The octopus peace lord fired more arrows at Percy which he evaded again. The pigeon appeared right beside Frank for a moment.

  “When you put my feather in your pocket, Frank, a part of me was with you. As your chromosomes multiplied, so did mine.” He shot more effluent at the Octopus peace lord, dousing him in his noxious retardant.

  “Percy!” Frank was so pleased to see him.

  “When you became a peace lord, Frank, so did I!”

  The octopus peace lord fired more arrows at Percy which he again dodged with ease.

  “You’ve got to get out of here, man,” Percy called to Frank. “There’s more after you.” He shot more refuse at the peace lord. “See you on the other side, Frank.” The octopus peace lord retaliated with his own effluent, filling the surroundings with a thick black ink. Frank then heard the sound of more darts firing. This was followed by stillness. When the black plume dissipated, Frank was accosted by the sight of Percy pierced through the heart with one of the peace lord’s poison darts. “Flee, Frank!” he called and then collapsed. Frank turned to see the octopus peace lord hurtling toward him.

  He was standing in the middle of a busy city centre. The buildings were unlike any he had seen before - many series of interlocking domes, and domes within domes of varying sizes and colors - yet the inhabitants of this land were clearly humanoid and almost certainly of the mere mortal tier. Frank was still shaking from the shock of Percy’s demise and he hated himself for the loss of another friend. He was a real mix of emotions now. His feelings of power and presence remained, yet these were also dimmed by the fact that there were other greater powers out there determined to end him. His chest tightened at the thought of this and his temple pounded.

  He was relieved, however, to be in this place. It would be easy for him to blend in, he reasoned, and go unnoticed. Yet no sooner had he come to a street crossing, curiously marked out with all the teeth of all kinds of creatures, than he saw Dyopatera, the peace lord, on the other side of the road. Frank could feel his soul fill with horror, starting with his stomach before rushing up to the top of his head. He froze momentarily, stricken with terror. He was now certain that he would never find escape, never be safe, never know peace. The peace lord (how he came to detest the irony of that title!) didn’t hesitate to mow down every creature in front of it: men, women and children were all severed in half or decapitated in the peace lord’s reach to terminate Frank.

  Clouds surrounded him, covering him and buoying him. It was like he had suddenly transported right into the middle of a sea of cotton candy. It would have been quite pleasant had he not been on the run from a myriad of homicidal peace lords and just witnessed a horrific mass murder. He sank into a particularly billowy patch of the substance, hid himself from all view and collected himself for a moment. It didn’t last. The whole fabric of the place ripped apart and the dark lord Chin Chin came roaring at him again in a whirlwind of rage. The shock of his sudden appearance was like a grenade going off in Frank’s chest, a sensation he carried with him to the next realm.

  A deserted planet, rather like the earth’s moon was suddenly under his feet. He sat down in the fine dust, breathing heavily, distraught at the onslaught he was enduring. He hoped to catch his breath there but he was to have no such respite. Instantly from one direction scrambled the octopus peace lord and from another side came an entity unfamiliar to Frank. It had the head of an eagle, the body of a lion and the legs of a cockroach, and moved with greater speed and animosity than any of the others. Frank departed with no time to spare.

  With each transport, his tormentors attacked with greater speed, and with each approach, his mind would turn to darkness and fury, his heart to hatred and vengeance. From realm to realm he bounced, from world to world with increasing haste and animosity, sometimes on his own, at other times mid-tussle with them. The only sad consistency was that on each arrival, the peace lords would be there, alone or in pairings, with greater resentment and hostility and with a keener desperation to cast him for eternity into the sea of the Wretched.

  Suddenly he was in space. Floating without aim or purpose, but still with haunting memory. It was still and without sound. He looked about fearfully but there seemed to be nothing near or approac
hing, and none of the hatred that had met him in the other realms. Looking about, he recalled immediate events and once more collected his thoughts. He had escaped the octopus peace lord, but poor Percy had not. Why? Frank wondered. Why do these things happen to my friends? He had tried to escape all this and find peace and freedom but he could not escape from the wrath or condemnation of the peace lords. Their damnation seemed absolute and irreversible. Why was there such cruelty in the omniverses? he wondered. Where can I go from it? He had no answers of course and this brought upon him a deep sadness. This misery was intrinsically meshed with the fear and loathing that now defined him.

  He was currently in what was essentially a realmless dimension. It was technically a realm, of course. It had co-ordinates and a locale but there was absolutely no matter by which to identify it. It was as empty as a realm could be. And there in the silence and the emptiness, Frank continued with these depressing questions. Over and over, his thoughts were with Percy and his other friends and his own future and his own identity. He lamented with enormous gravity the fate of his friends. Once again, they would have to pay the price for his ways. Just like in Okinawa. He would end up burying his friends the way he buried his co-workers. The way they buried Pink Guy in his dream. He was the source of all this death. “I really should have killed myself when I had the chance,” he thought, recalling what the creature in the rice fields had told him to do.

  Would they ever be safe? he wondered. Could he ever be powerful enough to protect them? Then the bigger questions tumbled. Why were the omniverses like this? Why were there tiers? Why was there evil? Why were his chromosomes multiplying? Who the hell was he?